Noah and Lilah

Growing up in a family with three sisters, I could not imagine a life without siblings. It was always my dream to have two children and once Noah was born, I knew I wanted him to have the same sibling experience. Noah was only 23 months old when Lilah was born. While pregnant, I worried about how Noah would adjust to having a sister since he was so young himself. When we initially brought Lilah home from the hospital, Noah was curious about her, not yet jealous. He tugged on her little feet and cuddled her. While he had difficulty adjusting to sharing my attention, he was sweet with his sister-always giving her high fives and hugs. When Lilah was 6 months old and became more mobile, all of that changed. Noah realized that Lilah was here to stay and that he had to permanently compete for attention from mom and dad. He also did not like Lilah’s curiosity for his toys and would get very upset when Lilah grabbed his toys. I hoped this phase would pass and that when Lilah was a little older and could walk, he would enjoy doing his favorite activities with her (e.g. chase) and see her as a play partner.

Lilah is now 21 months old and Noah is 3 years 8 months old. The sad truth is that Noah has very little interest in his sister. At best, he tolerates her in his space. If Lilah is around, he will often go into another room and play alone to avoid the interaction. There are certain routines that Lilah and Noah do together-swings, ride in the wagon, go to the park/outings and he does well with those activities because it does not require him to directly interact or share toys. Noah will play next to Lilah but not with Lilah.  Lilah at 21 months old is already surpassing Noah in her social development and communication. While Noah wants nothing to do with Lilah, Lilah wants everything to do with Noah. She always tries to play with Noah and never gives up even though he consistently ignores her. We encourage Noah to do small gestures such as giving Lilah a high five or saying, “thank you” when she hands him a toy (all of this requires parent prompting).  While she is the little sister, Lilah is already taking on the big sister role in many ways. If Noah is sad, she will pat his hair and his back to try and make him feel better. At bedtime, she loves to wash Noah in the bath, comb his hair, hand him his beloved Wubs and get his pajamas and socks out for him.

I continue to hope that one day Noah will have a desire to interact with his sister but until that day comes, it is painfully hard to watch the two of them together. My heart breaks for Lilah who despite all of her best attempts, can’t get Noah to look up and smile at her. And for Noah, I wish there was some way for him to bring Lilah into his world, but he’s just not ready. I want Noah and Lilah to have a special bond like I have with my sisters.  I long for the experience that many other families have with two siblings close in age, whose children are best friends and love playing together. In terms of the bigger picture, I also think about the future and the impact that having a brother with Autism will have on Lilah. I hope this kind of life makes her strong and an empathic human being. I hope she feels supported amongst the challenges that lie ahead. All a mother really wants for her children is fulfillment and happiness in whatever form that may take.